On being defiant

I entered my zoom session with my supervisors in the midst of my work day, semi prepared, pleased and nervous to see them. I had got some reading, some writing and some organizing done though the heaps that I am needing to do beyond that look like a big wiry mess impossible for me to untangle. Near the end of our time my document on 'felt sense in the studio' was brought up, and the fact that it was far more interesting to hear about what was actially happening in my painting and how it might reflect my inner felt sense more than I had anticipated. Whether I had made the read more interesting, or that what I had written before was too obscure, I said I'd not initially thought anyone would want to read about what I was painting. This sentiment is however not quite accurate; what I wanted was not to write about what was in the painting but have people look at it to figure it out, instead of reading about it. Then I realized my writing was not about what was in the painting either, rather it showed a relationship between my bodily sensations and emotions therein and the activity of the work. This is interesting. I have read a bit of Maurice Blanchot, and his study of the dynamism between creator and creation. I noted that he was indignant about something I take as a given; that we only know our work when we are in it. I in turn was indignant at his expectations that it should be any different! Truth is I am jealous that he allows that we do want to know our work. My supervisors noticed I was angry, resentful even, that Blanchot swims into expectations of impossible connections, whereas I have kept myself dutifully away from any unrealistic dreams, even ones that a boy might have. I was suprised to hear my anger was noticeable. I, the therapist of equanimity and calm, have another side, hidden mainly from myself. I chuckle inwardly; I have been called defiant before, which at the time, deeply puzzled me. Now I can be grateful to Blanchot for revealing my anger. I hope to be in my defiance when it happens.